Parents could literally drown in the sea of information available on how to raise a child. With all this information pulling every which way, it is difficult to decide which one will screw up your kid less! In this case, I would suggest figuring out your parenting principles. What I mean by this is that we could stress out about the exact things to do or say in each parenting situation, or we could simply examine our values. That way, when difficult circumstances arise, it will be easier to see which applications best fits our values.
I know that I made it sound easy and I know that it is anything but. However, when we are mindful in our parenting, we are doing things not because that is how our parents did them or because we are scared of not seeming in control, but because we are doing what is best for our child's ultimate success.
I will give you some examples of a few principles that a parent might have:
1. I want our family to have close bonds
2. I want my child to be independent and confident
3. I want to keep a peaceful home
4. I want respect in my home
How would these principles shape what I do? Well, lets provide an example!
Situation: Your teenager is always getting up late for school and your mornings are stressful because you are rushing and your teen is upset because they feel hurried.
Natural Response: There are so many responses that we as a parent can have with this situation and the ones that seem most natural are probably not the ones that will help you achieve your principles. Some of these include yelling, taking something away as punishment, making curfew earlier so that they "have the opportunity to get more sleep..." Now, as satisfying as some of these may be for a parent, are they truly teaching our change their demeanor and not just their behaviors? I don't think so. These responses are what we would call, "doing to" actions, whereas for our children to truly succeed, we want to employ "doing with" actions.
Principle-based Response: In these situations what would some of these "doing with" responses look like? One suggestion is setting aside a time to talk when both of you are calm. Discuss with your child why they have trouble with waking up. Problem-solve with your child to come up with a solution. Chances are, your teen doesn't like the way the mornings are going either and the chances are even greater that they are not doing it to make you mad. Working with your child to discuss how you can make mornings less stressful will help them learn how to problem-solve in a more effective manner.
Benefits of This Principle-based Response: You have created a solution to your problem that has helped with principle #2. You have also helped with #4 as well. As we listen to our children (without our own agenda) and give them the opportunity to talk to you in a manner that they KNOW YOU ARE LISTENING AND CONSIDERING, they will respect you more. It turns out that those "doing to" responses so common among EVERY parents (no parent is perfect) can actually be extremely disrespectful to your children. By "doing-to," we are responding in a way that assumes the bad in our children and labels them (even if we don't intend it) as incompetent.
I recognize that there are some times when a "doing to" response is necessary. But it is the exception, not the rule.
The more I participate in my studies at school through my Marriage and Family degree, the more I recognize that the approaches I am learning comply with extensive research, but with the standards that I believe to be withheld in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
I know that I made it sound easy and I know that it is anything but. However, when we are mindful in our parenting, we are doing things not because that is how our parents did them or because we are scared of not seeming in control, but because we are doing what is best for our child's ultimate success.
I will give you some examples of a few principles that a parent might have:
1. I want our family to have close bonds
2. I want my child to be independent and confident
3. I want to keep a peaceful home
4. I want respect in my home
How would these principles shape what I do? Well, lets provide an example!
Situation: Your teenager is always getting up late for school and your mornings are stressful because you are rushing and your teen is upset because they feel hurried.
Natural Response: There are so many responses that we as a parent can have with this situation and the ones that seem most natural are probably not the ones that will help you achieve your principles. Some of these include yelling, taking something away as punishment, making curfew earlier so that they "have the opportunity to get more sleep..." Now, as satisfying as some of these may be for a parent, are they truly teaching our change their demeanor and not just their behaviors? I don't think so. These responses are what we would call, "doing to" actions, whereas for our children to truly succeed, we want to employ "doing with" actions.
Principle-based Response: In these situations what would some of these "doing with" responses look like? One suggestion is setting aside a time to talk when both of you are calm. Discuss with your child why they have trouble with waking up. Problem-solve with your child to come up with a solution. Chances are, your teen doesn't like the way the mornings are going either and the chances are even greater that they are not doing it to make you mad. Working with your child to discuss how you can make mornings less stressful will help them learn how to problem-solve in a more effective manner.
Benefits of This Principle-based Response: You have created a solution to your problem that has helped with principle #2. You have also helped with #4 as well. As we listen to our children (without our own agenda) and give them the opportunity to talk to you in a manner that they KNOW YOU ARE LISTENING AND CONSIDERING, they will respect you more. It turns out that those "doing to" responses so common among EVERY parents (no parent is perfect) can actually be extremely disrespectful to your children. By "doing-to," we are responding in a way that assumes the bad in our children and labels them (even if we don't intend it) as incompetent.
I recognize that there are some times when a "doing to" response is necessary. But it is the exception, not the rule.
The more I participate in my studies at school through my Marriage and Family degree, the more I recognize that the approaches I am learning comply with extensive research, but with the standards that I believe to be withheld in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.